Zoshchenko happy chance download fb2. Monkey tongue

Frankly speaking, I prefer to be sick at home.

Of course, there are no words, in the hospital, perhaps, it is brighter and more cultured. And the calorie content of their food may be more adequate. But, as they say, even straw can be eaten at home.

And they brought me to the hospital with typhoid fever. My family thought this would alleviate my incredible suffering.

But this alone did not achieve their goal, since I came across some special hospital where I didn’t like everything.

Still, they just brought the patient, they write him down in the book, and suddenly he reads a poster on the wall: “Issuing corpses from 3 to 4.”

I don’t know about other patients, but I literally swayed on my feet when I read this appeal. The main thing is that I heat, and in general life, perhaps, is barely glimmering in my body, perhaps it is hanging by a thread - and suddenly I have to read such words.

I told the man who was recording me:

Why, - I say, - comrade paramedic, are you posting such vulgar signs? Still, I say, patients are not interested in reading this.

The paramedic, or whatever his name is, the doctor, was surprised that I told him so, and said:

Look: he’s sick, and he can barely walk, and steam is almost coming out of his mouth from the fever, and also, he says, he brings self-criticism towards everything. If,” he says, “you get better, which is unlikely, then criticize, otherwise we’ll really hand you over in three to four years in the form of what’s written here, then you’ll know.”

I wanted to clash with this doctor, but since I had a high temperature, 39 and 8, I did not argue with him. I just told him:

Just wait, medical tube, I’ll get better, so you’ll answer me for your impudence. Is it possible, I say, for sick people to listen to such speeches? This, I say, weakens their strength morally.

The paramedic was surprised that the seriously ill patient was talking to him so freely and immediately hushed up the conversation. And then my sister jumped up.

“Let’s go,” he says, “he’s sick, to the washing station.”

But these words also made me shudder.

It would be better, I say, to call it not a washing station, but a bath. This, I say, is more beautiful and elevates the patient. And I,” I say, “are not a horse to be washed.”

Nurse says:

Even though he’s sick, he also notices all sorts of subtleties, he says. “Probably,” he says, “you won’t recover because you’re poking your nose into everything.”

Then she took me into the bathroom and told me to undress.

And so I began to undress and suddenly I saw that a head was already sticking out above the water in the bathtub. And suddenly I see that it looks like an old woman is sitting in the bathtub, probably one of the sick.

I tell my sister:

Where have you dogs taken me - to the ladies' bath? “Here,” I say, “someone is already swimming.”

Sister says:

Yes, this is one sick old woman sitting here. Don't pay any attention to her. She has a high fever and is not responding to anything. So take off your clothes without embarrassment. In the meantime, we will take the old woman out of the bath and fill you with fresh water.

I speak:

The old woman does not react, but perhaps I still react. And for me, I say, it’s definitely unpleasant to see what’s floating in your bathtub.

Suddenly the doctor comes again.

“This is the first time I have seen such a fastidious patient,” he says. And he, the impudent one, doesn’t like it, and it’s not good for him. The dying old woman bathes, and then he expresses his claim. But her temperature may be about forty, and she doesn’t take anything into account and sees everything as if through a sieve. And, in any case, your appearance will not keep her in this world for an extra five minutes. No,” he says, “I like it better when patients come to us in an unconscious state.” At least then everything is to their taste, they are happy with everything and do not enter into scientific disputes with us.

“Take me out of the water,” he says, “or,” he says, “I’ll come out myself and spoil you all here.”

Then they took care of the old woman and told me to undress.

And while I was undressing, they immediately let me in hot water and they told me to sit there.

And, knowing my character, they no longer began to argue with me and tried to agree with me in everything. Only after bathing did they give me huge underwear that was too big for my height. I thought that out of spite they deliberately gave me such a set that didn’t measure up, but then I saw that this was a normal occurrence for them. Their small patients, as a rule, wore large shirts, and the large ones wore small ones.

And even my kit turned out to be better than others. On my shirt, the hospital stamp was on the sleeve and did not spoil general view, and on other patients the marks were on some on the back, and on others on the chest, and this morally humiliated human dignity.

But since my temperature was rising more and more, I did not argue about these subjects.

And they put me in a small room where there were about thirty different varieties sick. And some, apparently, were seriously ill. And some, on the contrary, got better. Some whistled. Others played pawns. Still others wandered around the wards and in the warehouses, reading what was written above the headboard.

I tell my sister:

Maybe I ended up in a mental hospital, so you say. I, I say, go to hospitals every year and have never seen anything like this. There is silence and order everywhere, and it’s like a market.

She says:

Perhaps you will be ordered to be put in a separate room and a sentry will be assigned to you so that he will drive away flies and fleas from you?

I shouted for the chief doctor to come, but suddenly this same paramedic came instead. And I was in a weakened state. And at the sight of him I completely lost my consciousness.

I just woke up, probably three days later, I think.

My sister tells me:

Well, - he says, - you have a really strong organism. You, - he says, - have passed all the tests. And even we accidentally put you near open window, and then you suddenly began to get better. And now, he says, if you do not become infected from your neighboring patients, then, he says, you can be sincerely congratulated on your recovery.

However, my body did not succumb to illness anymore, and only just before leaving I fell ill with a childhood disease - whooping cough.

Sister says:

You probably caught the infection from the neighboring outbuilding. We have a children's department there. And you probably carelessly ate from a device on which a child with whooping cough ate. This is why you got sick.

In general, soon the body took its toll, and I began to get better again. But when it came to being discharged, then, as they say, I suffered too much and fell ill again, this time with a nervous illness. Because of my nervousness, small pimples appeared on my skin, like a rash. And the doctor said: “Stop being nervous, and this will go away with time.”

And I was nervous simply because they didn’t discharge me. Either they forgot, then they didn’t have something, then someone didn’t come and it was impossible to note. Then, finally, they began to move the wives of the patients, and the entire staff was knocked off their feet. Paramedic says:

We are so overcrowded that we simply cannot keep up with the discharge of patients. In addition, you only have eight days to spare, and then you are raising hell. But here some people who have recovered are not discharged for three weeks, and they endure it.

But soon they discharged me, and I returned home.

Spouse says:

You know, Petya, a week ago we thought that you had gone to afterworld, because a notice came from the hospital that said: “Upon receipt of this, come urgently for the body of your husband.”

It turns out that my wife ran to the hospital, but they apologized for the mistake they had made in the accounting department. It was someone else who died, and for some reason they thought about me. Although by that time I was healthy, and it was only because of my nervousness that I started getting pimples. In general, for some reason this incident made me feel unpleasant, and I wanted to run to the hospital to argue with someone there, but when I remembered what happens there, you know, I didn’t go.

And now I’m sick at home.

This Russian language is difficult, dear citizens! The trouble is, what a difficult one.

The main reason is that foreign words to hell with it. Well, take French speech. Everything is good and clear. Keskose, merci, comsi - all, please note, purely French, natural, understandable words.

Come on, come on now with the Russian phrase - trouble. The whole speech is peppered with words with a foreign, vague meaning.

This makes speech difficult, breathing is impaired and nerves fray.

I heard a conversation the other day. There was a meeting. My neighbors started talking.

It was a very smart and intelligent conversation, but I, a person without higher education, understood their conversation with difficulty and flapped his ears.

The matter began with trifles.

My neighbor, not yet an old man with a beard, leaned over to his neighbor on the left and politely asked:

And what, comrade, will this be a plenary meeting or what?

“Plenary,” the neighbor answered casually.

“Look,” the first one was surprised, “that’s why I’m looking, what is it?” As if it were plenary.

“Yes, be calm,” the second one answered sternly. “Today it’s very plenary and the quorum has reached such a level - just hold on.”

Yah? - asked the neighbor. “Have we really reached a quorum?”

By God,” said the second.

And what is this quorum?

“Nothing,” the neighbor answered, somewhat confused. “I got there, and that’s it.”

Tell me, - the first neighbor shook his head with grief. - Why would it be him, huh?

The second neighbor spread his hands and looked sternly at his interlocutor, then added with a soft smile:

Now, comrade, I suppose you don’t approve of these plenary sessions... But somehow they are closer to me. Everything somehow, you know, comes out in them minimally to the essence of the day... Although I will say frankly, Lately I have a fairly permanent attitude towards these meetings. So, you know, the industry is going from empty to empty.

“This is not always the case,” the first objected. “If, of course, you look at it from the point of view.” To enter, so to speak, into the point of view and from the point of view, then yes - the industry specifically.

Specifically, in fact,” the second one sternly corrected.

“Perhaps,” the interlocutor agreed. “I admit that too.” Specifically in fact. Although how when...

Always,” the second one cut short. “Always, dear comrade.” Especially if after the speeches the subsection is brewing minimally. Discussions and shouting will not end then...

A man walked up to the podium and waved his hand. Everything fell silent. Only my neighbors, somewhat heated by the argument, did not immediately fall silent. The first neighbor could not come to terms with the fact that the subsection was welded minimally. It seemed to him that the subsection was brewed a little differently.

They shushed my neighbors. The neighbors shrugged their shoulders and fell silent. Then the first neighbor leaned over to the second again and quietly asked:

Who is it that came out there?

This? Yes, this is the presidium. Very sharp man. And the speaker is the first. Always sharply speaks on the essence of the day.

The speaker extended his hand forward and began speaking.

And when he uttered arrogant words with a foreign, vague meaning, my neighbors nodded their heads sternly. Moreover, the second neighbor looked sternly at the first, wanting to show that he was still right in the dispute that had just ended.

It is difficult, comrades, to speak Russian!

Stories for children Mikhail Zoshchenko

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Title: Stories for children

About the book “Stories for Children” Mikhail Zoshchenko

Mikhail Zoshchenko is one of the most interesting Russian writers, whose work is known to everyone who grew up in the USSR. He was also a playwright, screenwriter and translator. He is loved and singled out, first of all, for his special style. His works are filled with sharp satire, which aims to ridicule ignorance, petty-bourgeois selfishness, cruelty, opportunism and many other vices of human nature.

The future influential writer was born in 1894 into a St. Petersburg family of noble origin. His family was not rich and had many children, which worsened the already shaky financial position. Mikhail Zoshchenko, recalling his childhood, talked about the complex relationship between parents, which was then reflected in his works for children.

Even in his childhood, Zoshchenko began writing poetry, then his first stories appeared, and by the mid-twenties he became one of the most read writers of his time. Numerous published books of his stories simply disappeared from store shelves. They were read and reread by both children and adults. His popularity reached incredible proportions. Zoshchenko’s works have been translated into many languages, and in 2011, even into Japanese. Based on his works, scripts for radio plays for children, plays for the theater were written, and several feature films were created. Who hasn’t at least once seen Leonid Gaidai’s film “It Can’t Be!”, based on his works such as “Crime and Punishment”, “ Funny adventure" and "The Wedding Incident."

Mikhail Zoshchenko also did translations foreign literature. Finnish writer Lassila's novel "Behind the Matches" was also filmed. Any story by Zoshchenko is simply read in one breath. For example, the story “Bathhouse”. It's a little story common man, who went to an ordinary bathhouse for ten kopecks. He undressed and handed over his clothes to storage, where he was given two paper numbers on strings for outerwear and underwear. But where to put them when, except for a naked body, there is nothing with him. I had to tie them to my legs. The process of washing in a bathhouse is described as follows: in simple language that you feel yourself in the bathhouse and think, what to do next when the paper numbers are simply washed away with water.

Genre: Soviet classical prose, Language: ru Abstract: “When I was six years old, I did not know that the Earth is spherical. But Styopka, the owner’s son, with whose parents we lived at the dacha, explained to me what the Earth is...”

Download the book (size 1155Kb, fb2 format) Genre: Soviet classical prose, Language: ru Abstract: The collected works of M. M. Zoshchenko is the most complete collection of prose of one of the largest innovative writers of the 20th century. It includes almost all of the writer’s famous works, from early stories, parodies and “Sentimental Tales” to the book “Before Sunrise” and later ...

Genre: Children's prose, Language: ru Abstract: “When I was six years old, I did not know that the Earth is spherical. But Styopka, the owner’s son, with whose parents we lived at the dacha, explained to me what the Earth is. He said: “The earth is a circle.” And if you go straight, you can go around the entire Earth, and...

Download the book (size 610Kb, fb2 format) Genre: Humorous prose, Language: ru Abstract: The author himself called this book of stories “ a short history human relations." That's all. Well, yes, heroes do not always find themselves in their own time; they sometimes act in the past - distant and not so distant. But these are such special Zoshchenko heroes...

Download the book (size 978Kb, fb2 format) Genre: Soviet classical prose, Language: ru Abstract: Autobiographical story Zoshchenko always considered “Before Sunrise” to be his main work. This story is about how the author tried to overcome his melancholy and fear of life. He considered this fear to be his mental illness, and not at all a feature of his talent, and tried...

Genre: Humorous prose, Language: ru Abstract: The book includes bright and characteristic works of the writer, they parody both the heroes and the artistic space in which they live, and the narrator leading the story, and the themes themselves. Mikhail Zoshchenko angrily ridicules cynically calculating or sentimentally thoughtful earners of individual happiness, intelligent scoundrels and boors, shows vulgar people in their true light...

Genre: Children's prose, Language: ru Abstract: From a series of children's stories. It was published in the magazine “Murzilka” (1988). Drawings by V. Chizhikov.

Download the book (size 4744Kb, fb2 format) Genre: Children's prose, Language: ru Abstract: When Mikhail Zoshchenko wrote children's stories, he did not think that they would laugh at naughty girls and boys. The writer wanted to help children become people.

Download the book (size 9536Kb, fb2 format) Genre: Soviet classical prose, Language: ru Abstract: The collected works of M. M. Zoshchenko is the most complete edition of the prose of one of the largest innovative writers of the 20th century. It includes almost all of the writer’s famous works, from early stories and parodies to the book “Before Sunrise” and later “positive” feuilletons. ...

Download the book (size 1033Kb, fb2 format) Genre: Soviet classical prose, Language: ru Abstract: Collected works of M.M. Zoshchenko is the most complete collection of prose by one of the greatest innovative writers of the 20th century. It includes almost all of the writer’s famous works, from early stories, parodies and “Sentimental Tales” to the book “Before Sunrise” and later “positive” ...