Loneliness has clearly become popular these days.

To the point that it is equated with self-sufficiency and independence.

And yet, man is a social being, and it is very difficult for him to live without communication, without close contacts.

Throughout our lives, each of us has experienced this oppressive feeling of loneliness. For many it prevents them from being happy.

People are created for communication, it is very important for them social adaptation, the ability to see your image in the eyes of other people, to capture responses and feelings. Being in a vacuum, emptiness, without close contacts, you may feel a sense of losing yourself. This leads to decreased mood, depression, and a negative perception of life.

Types of loneliness

Loneliness can be external when a person is truly alone. There are no people ready to communicate, the person is in a foreign country, in a new city, in new organization. This may be an unsociable person, or an outcast who is not accepted by his environment.
External loneliness is also the absence of family, friends, and the joy of communication.

Or a person feels lonely even if he has family, friends, and relatives. This is inner loneliness. This is the fear of misunderstanding, the unwillingness or fear of revealing one’s feelings, the fear of being misunderstood, the expectation of criticism or condemnation.

Emotions and harm

A lonely person often experiences a feeling of emptiness, uselessness, isolation, and mental suffering.

Negative emotions lead to a constant feeling of mild stress, and this has a bad influence on nervous system, on blood vessels, on the brain, heart, muscle tone. A constant lack of support, a feeling of indifference, tension, and lack of pleasant communication lower self-esteem, reduce a person’s desire to achieve goals, and strive for the best in his life.

How to Avoid Loneliness

Often feelings of loneliness are based on past experiences, lack of faith in people, inability to communicate, anticipation of danger, or feelings of superiority or insecurity. These are essentially perception programs that arise on the basis of some kind of psychological trauma (often childhood).
But before that, try to solve this issue yourself.

What your loneliness will be like is up to you to decide.

Even though loneliness is a chance to fulfill cherished desires, to achieve perfection in what you have always liked, after all, most women are afraid to be left alone. They sincerely do not understand what is the reason for this state of affairs. Why is it that someone has been married for a long time, and they are beautiful, smart and interesting, but they still cannot meet their love.

Let's figure out how not to be alone

Look at yourself from the outside. What you see is most likely a concentrated facial expression, a woman completely immersed in her thoughts, whose seriousness immediately gives other people the impression that it is better not to approach her. Either she is already busy and so preoccupied with solving complex family issues that she no longer needs anyone, or she will reject any attempts at courtship.

You may think that you are not at all like that, but to be honest, our idea of ​​ourselves is often different from what others think of us. But don’t get upset or once again look for ways to improve. You are already perfection. So it's time to relax a little. Because men don’t really like having a girl next to them who makes them feel uncomfortable.

And you don’t need to immediately turn into a smiling lady who is ready to kiss the whole world. Our reluctance to constantly smile or look too closely at others is absolutely normal. This is not surprising. This is not always appropriate and that is how we were taught. The parents, and some even the grandmother, grew up at a time when it was considered indecent to show excessive attention to the stronger sex, and even more so to approach them first.

In principle, this is still relevant, since the stronger sex itself wants to remain that way, and not turn from hunter to prey. And for many women it is generally taboo for them to express sympathy for a man. The only thing that will help you loosen up a little in this situation and not go against your view of the world is the art of flirting. It is he who will express your attitude in such a way that the man will not be involuntarily humiliated and will perceive the situation correctly, and will not treat him like a girl for one night, and the representative of the fair sex herself will not give up her principles.

No matter what anyone says, it’s not easy to turn from a lady into a girl who doesn’t cost anything to approach first. After all, our beliefs are the core that allows a person to understand who he is and what is acceptable for him and what causes discomfort. So learn to express interest with your eyes. And for this you don’t need to “shoot with your eyes”, it’s enough to evoke a smile in your soul and sincere interest in the person and your eyes themselves will say everything for you. A slight half-smile will not humiliate you in any way, but will set the right tone for the conversation if he decides to approach.

Another reason for withdrawing and having a serious facial expression is a subconscious desire to protect ourselves from the pain that rejection or neglect can cause if the one we like does not reciprocate.

It doesn’t matter what caused the wary attitude towards others: negative experience, low self-esteem, lack of love from parents; often this really protects against problems and negativity from people. And you need to fight not with experience or demand that your parents change their attitude, but exclusively with low self-esteem.

Self-love and respect, awareness of one’s worth and the right to be happy is the most important criterion for a woman to find her love. Anyone who has not learned to love himself is doomed to loneliness, even if he has someone. Having a loved one when you don’t love yourself is quite rare occurrence, but even if he was lucky, the person himself still does not feel happy. He does not believe his happiness, does not believe that he is really loved, because he does not know why he can be loved.

Therefore, it is better to reduce your wary attitude towards people a little, and figure out whether you love yourself. Why are you so worried that you might end up alone? You don't believe in yourself or are simply afraid to be alone with yourself.

Also, you shouldn’t waste time and energy on someone who never called back or appears on the horizon once every five years. When a representative of the stronger sex experiences real attraction, he will find an opportunity to be close to you. Everything else is excuses, no matter how busy he is with his affairs and sounds too plausible. So remove from your life those who only waste time without offering anything in return. And your chances of not being left alone will immediately increase.

Photo: how not to be alone

Top 7 how not to be alone

Determine the qualities that your partner must have, and which you will not tolerate under any circumstances. This will allow you to clearly divide potential gentlemen into those who are worthy of your time, and those who are better to get rid of right away. At the same time, stop dreaming about fairy prince on a white horse. We are all human and ideal in our own way. That’s why it so rarely happens that we completely suit each other. And you need to come to terms with this if you don’t want to be left alone.

You have the right to refuse to communicate with those whose shortcomings are very serious for you and will really poison your life, but expecting that all your demands will be satisfied is quite dangerous. You may never live up to your “ideal”. We are all not without flaws.

But excessive haste to quickly find a permanent partner also does not lead to anything good. There is never any point in rushing, and even more so when looking for a groom. This will only lead to a lot of mistakes that can become fatal and bring only grief. Do not follow fashion and the demands of others. Don't try to be like everyone else. To each his own. And what seems to be happiness, in fact, may not at all please those who possess it, according to others. It’s rare that anyone talks about problems in their personal life without anyone criticizing or gloating. So don’t grab the first option that comes your way, and especially don’t put pressure on the one who’s nearby. Otherwise, instead of happy family life, you will be left alone or you will completely ruin everything.

There is no need to be afraid of loneliness - it is just a temporary state. It must be used for your benefit. And you don’t need to get rid of it with the help of a huge number of important and not so important things. Studying foreign language, sports, achieving your cherished dream - this is wonderful. But leave time for yourself, your experiences and attempts to understand what you really want to get from life.

If you intensively fill the emptiness in your soul with everything that comes to mind, you will not have time for a new relationship. Loneliness gives you a chance to understand life, to understand whether you are going the right way and whether it’s time to change something, and does not threaten your existence. After all, we ourselves are the causes of this or that state, and not those around us or those close to us.

You never know what happens in life, you never know what others say, it’s up to you to decide how to react and what to do. And if for some reason you listen to your beloved mother and miss the chance to arrange your personal life, although you dream of love day and night, then only you are to blame for this.

Nobody forces you to follow the instructions of even a person dear to you; you decide what to do and how to behave, not them. And when you realize that everything depends on you and a little on chance, you will immediately wonder whether you need to fight loneliness now and if “yes,” then how best to do it in your situation.

Listen to yourself. Don't you think that deep down you're not really interested in a relationship? Maybe you are much more comfortable at home, where your parents take care of you, or, conversely, you have so many plans that you are afraid that they will not be realized young man can interfere. Are you sure that you are ready to listen to the other person and compromise. Relationships are not only passion and pleasure, they are serious work on yourself. The need to take into account the interests of the chosen one. If you are not ready for this, then your time has not come yet.

Photo: how not to be alone

Love is the constant need of every person. No matter what anyone says, everyone wants to love and be loved. But very often, more and more beautiful women cannot improve their personal lives. Because there are many reasons that no one can influence and those that depend solely on ourselves. Therefore, if you really suffer from loneliness and no longer want to be alone and wait to meet a worthy companion, deal with those that are within your power. And life will definitely give you a long-awaited acquaintance. The main thing is to believe in it and not despair.

Liana Gergeli

Director of Branded Content at W Magazine.

I go to the cinema alone. I visit museums alone. I'm eating dinner alone (and yes, I've given up the temptation to scroll through my Instagram feed while I wait for my order). I’m sitting alone in a coffee shop and leafing through a magazine. Alone I take a train ticket and go to new city where I walk all alone.

I understand that this may seem very strange. You probably think I'm a cute weirdo, and also very lonely. It's funny, I was much lonelier before I started spending time on my own. The constant feeling that I was out of place, and the feeling that I needed people around me like air - that was loneliness. The feeling of constant anxiety and fear that the guy will leave me is loneliness. And spending time alone is calm. This is interesting. And it increases. And now I’ll tell you how I learned to spend time alone.

1. Just do it. And don't try to look cool

Everyone is already tired of Nike clichés, but still Just do it. This is where it all started. How awkward it was to go to the cinema alone for the first time and sit there with a backpack on the next chair, pretending in front of other cinema visitors that the guy had gone to get drinks and was about to return. This feeling will pass, as will the fear of people who supposedly think something about why you spend time alone.

Don't try to be cool in the eyes of others. Most likely, you will never meet these strangers again in your life, and they will discuss the film, not you.

2. Make a list of your favorite things. And don't wait for anyone

I realized that I should spend time alone when there were things I wanted to do, but the friends who could keep me company were always busy or had other plans.

If your favorite band is going to perform the only concert in town, and none of your friends can go, don't waste the opportunity to make your dream come true. You can wait forever for others to be free, and eventually realize that the moment has passed. In addition, planning something for yourself will not require exchanging a bunch of messages and stupid ones.

So take a piece of paper and write down every thing you love and things you wish you could do but never did because someone wasn't there. This excuse is no longer accepted.

3. Make a schedule. Don't cancel plans

Once a week I include in my schedule an evening that I will spend alone. This means that I'll go to the cinema alone or lie around in my pajamas and watch Sex in big city" The line on the schedule serves as written confirmation that I should please myself, and will help me not to change my plans if something unexpected happens. I don't want to say no to my friends, but now I'm learning to be a friend to myself.

It's a great relief to have one evening dedicated solely to yourself, when you don't have to worry about whether all your friends' plans will coincide, when you don't have to leave the house if you want to lie on the couch. I spend time with myself and do what makes me happy. No stress. None difficult decisions. It's easy and doable. And most importantly, this is a chance to become honest with myself: to decide what I really want, and what is easier said than done.

Last year I became lonely at will. Not because of the circumstances. Not because no one wanted to communicate with me or I couldn’t find a suitable companion.

Many people find it hard to believe that I refuse to date. And often I look weird in front of my nagging old aunt or my college friends.

Why do some people choose to be single by choice? To spend time alone? Am I missing out on an important part of my life if I don't meet on Tinder and go on dates? What if the only one passed by, and I didn’t notice because I was too busy with myself?

I'm not ashamed of my singleness to say out loud: dating myself has been the most stable, anxiety-free, relaxing relationship you can imagine. There was no need to wait for a response to a message (or agonize over whether my message was too flirtatious, too demanding, too long-winded), and not once did I even think that the other person might misunderstand me.

This doesn't mean I won't date other people in the future - I definitely will. But now I know for sure that the relationship that I managed to build with myself is the relationship that I would want with another person. I am kind, patient, affectionate. I laugh at my mistakes and forgive myself for my wrongdoings. I would like to be with such a person and, I hope, I will be.

More and more people are wondering how to avoid despair. Searching for an answer leads nowhere, because the answer lies deep in the subconscious. And you cannot overcome despair on your own, that is, by focusing on yourself and your problem. Fighting despair alone is much more difficult, especially if there is no clear understanding of the causes of despair or despondency.

There seems to be no way out. There is only despair all around, and you are on the edge. All that remains is to hold your breath and doomedly step down into the vacuum, into complete despair. And stay there, perhaps forever...

Psychology of despair

The state of despair is a very difficult feeling, and it is not easy to live with. IN modern world With its frantic pace, many people are on the verge of despair. They ask themselves or psychology professionals - how not to fall into despair, continue to live, fight, look for solutions to problems?

To understand the reasons why a person’s despair comes from, and to find the answer to the question of how not to fall into despair when on the brink, you first need to define what despair is.

1. Despair comes first emotional state. It can also be a deep emotion of bitter disappointment in life and everything connected with it. For example, a person repeatedly made efforts and did not achieve results.

2. Despair is based on deep discomfort and severe dissatisfaction with any life situation or with the whole world in general.

3. Despair implies the absence of a motivational factor: a state of apathy, inability to overcome life's difficulties and ignorance of how to do this.

Thus, despair as an emotion is the result of a feeling of dissatisfaction with life due to its lack of understanding; it is deeply connected with all functions of human life. Long-term exposure may lead to depression.

A person falls into a state of extreme despair or is in a state of melancholy, deep despondency - as a result of dissatisfaction with life. When despair occurs, a person needs immediate psychological help.

System-vector psychology of Yuri Burlan accurately determines where despair arises in a person. In addition, it explains which people tend to remain in a state of despair for a long time, and who can experience every minute despair due to any events. And most importantly, it answers the question of how not to fall into despair or how to overcome it.

Where does a person’s state of despair come from?

System-vector psychology of Yuri Burlan shows that any person has individual innate properties that determine the role of this person in society and the way of enjoying life.

Thus, a person born and aspiring to material and social success may experience despair in the event of the loss of his property or social status. System-vector psychology defines such people as owners of the skin vector. They are aimed at conquering peaks, and if some kind of trouble occurs, in most cases this will be the motivation to overcome the problem and find a way out of it in any way.

People with the skin vector have a very quick reaction and mental flexibility, which makes them adaptive in any situation. life situations. If despair sets in, it is unlikely that a person with a skin vector will remain in this state for a long time. Most likely, he will try to solve the problem as quickly as possible. “Desperation arose - what to do? It’s clear - look for a way out!”

Another category of people who may experience despair are people with an anal vector. Quite stable in themselves - guardians of traditions, friendship and respect - they do not like change. They can be driven into despair if you constantly interrupt, tug, and do not allow them to finish the job in peace. They also value their family and everything connected with it very much, so the loss of their family can lead them to despair.

When despair is greater than man

In addition, the system-vector psychology of Yuri Burlan shows two more types of despair, which can be insurmountable and lead to disastrous consequences.

The first type of despair arises from the loss or severance of an emotional connection with a loved one, an animal, or even an inanimate object. It depends on the level of development of properties. This is how people with a visual vector perceive the world. By nature they are the most sensual, emotional and sensitive. They are capable of loving “to the point of madness” and even sacrificing their lives for the sake of love.

When a person with a visual vector loses the object of his love, he can fall into a state of deep despondency and melancholy. To attract attention, he may even try to stage suicide without intending to complete this action.

For people with a visual vector, experiencing diverse and vivid emotions is very important. They, like no one else, are able to feel and convey any emotion in all its beauty and intensity. People with a visual vector usually do not wonder how not to fall into despair, as such. They fall into despair only when their emotional connections are severed and they cannot be restored.

When such a person loses a loved one, becomes desperate and believes that there is no longer any point in living without him or without her, there is usually a long period of despondency and melancholy, tears and consolations, after which you can try to put your emotions in order again, creating a new emotional connection with another person. At the same time, the pain of loss may remain forever, dulling and losing its original sharpness.

Most difficult case despair is despair in the sound vector. Here, as Yuri Burlan’s system-vector psychology explains, despair borders on hopelessness. Dejection, darkness, not knowing where to go, I don’t want to live. And deep depression. This is a constant state of being on the edge - “I’m about to fall apart.” There is no more strength to fight the feeling of despair, to look for a way out of the situation. “How tired I am of this vain world and meaningless living in it!” This is the state of true despair.

Real, crushing, overwhelming despair and a feeling of complete dissatisfaction with life, no matter what you do - this is despair in the sound vector. Some seek relief in alcohol and drugs. Doesn't help. Or it helps, but only for short time. Then the emptiness of loneliness and the feeling of despair return with even greater itching force.

In fact, only people with a sound vector truly think about the meaning of despair - about how not to fall into this state and how to get out of it.

Despair: what to do if a problem arises

We looked at four types of despair or states similar to this emotion, from the point of view of system-vector psychology Yuri Burlan:

Despair in the skin vector - from large financial losses or deprivation of social status;

Despair in the anal vector - from the loss of family as the most important value and life priority;

Despair in the visual vector - from the loss of a deep emotional connection;

Despair in the sound vector comes from a lack of understanding of oneself and the inability to realize one’s innate desires and properties.

In the case of the first three vectors, worry - how not to fall into despair - is not their internal issue, nor a life priority, since the feeling of despair for them is a consequence external factors which they have no control over.

As for people with a sound vector, looking from the outside, it is not clear why they experience a feeling of despair and hopelessness “out of nowhere,” that is, without obvious reasons. So, the main thing is how to overcome or not fall into despair - what to do?

The fact is that nature has endowed people with a sound vector with great abstract intelligence and a tremendous ability to concentrate thoughts. That is, the ability to create thought forms, to think. Due to these given properties, they tend to be in thought and receive great pleasure from it.

But it happens, for various reasons, a person with a sound vector does not use the entire volume of his psyche or cannot concentrate in at the moment his life, and therefore cannot find and formulate a thought.

And then, at this point, frustration arises, that is, the lack of fulfillment of desire and, as a result, the enjoyment of life. A person in this state loses the ability to concentrate on the world around him, people and noise from the outside begin to irritate him. Then the person with the sound vector goes deep into himself, into his thoughts, where he searches and does not find an answer to the questions that trouble him.

And again there is a wall, there is no way out. Again, life has no meaning. Despair and disappointment - one after another. Pointless search for yourself. Again the whole world is against him, and no one understands him.

Therefore, people with a sound vector in a state of despair or close to it wonder about the meaning of their existence. They are looking for an answer on how not to fall into despair or how to deal with despair and its cause, but they do not find it. Then despair creeps up unnoticed in the sound vector, and silence sets in...

How not to fall into despair

Dejection, an attempt to find answers in oneself - all this reverse side medals limitless possibilities sound mind. As the system-vector psychology of Yuri Burlan explains, any person is able to feel joy in life and realize their potential, as well as overcome despair, if they know and understand their own psyche.

So, we have already seen that only people with a sound vector truly and seemingly unreasonably fall into despair. Now let's see how to deal with despair, knowing the reasons for its occurrence.

Only the realization of innate properties can make any person happy. In fact, a feeling of despair in any vector can be provoked negative events that deprive a person of his values. Knowing and understanding what these values ​​are and what caused certain events can help a person with any vector get out of a state of despair. Because the understanding of one’s life priorities and the priorities of other people, their psyche and desires, which system-vector psychology provides, helps combat feelings of despair.

As for the sound vector, these people, in order not to fall into despair, need to understand themselves, their psyche, as well as the psyche of other people. For them, this is one of the basic desires - to understand and understand the essence of man, to find out the root cause of everything. It was people with a sound vector who invented science, philosophy, literature, poetry, music. This is all the result of searching their mind, thinking about the question “Who am I?” Why am I living?

The article was written using materials from online training on system-vector psychology by Yuri Burlan

Read often

Man and woman. Minus 60 problems in relationships Mirimanova Ekaterina Valerievna

Chapter 7 How to learn to live alone and still feel very comfortable? How to prepare yourself to meet the man you really need?

How to learn to live alone and still feel very comfortable?

How to prepare yourself to meet the man you really need?

You broke up with a loved one or not so loved one, or even with a person who was deeply indifferent to you. It would seem that over time you should feel better, but the pain does not subside, the fears become more and more. You try to build new relationships, but they collapse much faster than the previous ones. You are perplexed: why is this happening, because you seem to be not the most terrible and stupid woman in the world. Why can't anything work out for you?

There is an explanation for all this, and it is called: “LONELINESS.” Most often, we rush into new relationships, barely ending or even not ending the previous ones, just because we are deathly afraid of being alone. And this is not only our fault.

Since childhood, we have been taught one single thought: “A person is complete only in a pair.” This is not so noticeable, but such propaganda is carried out constantly, thank God, in lately she is getting weaker. Read any children's book, watch a movie, everything is about love and relationships between two people. In fairy tales, in teenage books, in serious adult works, it is almost always found romantic story. And if she is not in your life, naturally, you involuntarily begin to think: “What’s wrong with me? Is there really no love line on my palm?” Suffering from an inferiority complex, carefully cultivated since childhood, many representatives of both sexes are looking for salvation from loneliness. However, do they really need help?

In the attacks of despair that grips you at first, when you feel especially bad, often remember the phrase that I heard... in an Indian film: “God is strange, sometimes it takes him a while to finish his work, but he always does it!”

The Universe truly does keep its word. And if you formulate your desire, she has no choice, she “promises” you to fulfill it. So have more confidence and a positive attitude, which I hope this chapter will help you develop.

“What’s wrong with me? Is there really no love line on my palm?”

Loneliness is an integral part of life. Quite natural and very pleasant, if you don’t treat it as something terrifying. The ability to be alone is the basis of self-love. It has a lot of charms. No matter how old you are, there are many benefits to being alone. And here is the most important thing, which I invite you to read and think about.

When you don't have a partner, ALL DOORS are open to you.!

You don’t know what awaits you tomorrow, the day after tomorrow, in a month. Absolutely everything is possible. When you're in an established relationship, a lot of things are predetermined. You know that your spouse will not go hiking in the mountains, or he is not interested in lying on the beach, or he hates expensive hotels, or maybe, on the contrary, he loves luxury, which annoys you. On vacation, he never goes shopping with you, watches TV or likes to go to clubs. He loves fish, you love meat. You enjoy autumn walks in the forest in the rain; he hates cool and cloudy weather. You love techno, he loves jazz.

All these differences are not a reason to not be together if you have learned to find a compromise. But this is the reason why you can love being alone! Just not being in a relationship, you are free to do what you like, without regard to anyone. Be a rabid egoist! Travel wherever you want, go to the theater or cinema only for what you want. Spend more time on yourself, your body, in one word - enjoy!

At this point, many fall into a stupor and say: “Without my beloved, the world is not dear to me, everything loses its meaning!” Do you know why this happens? Because you don't know what you like. You are constantly surrounded by other people who have their own tastes and interests, and you are constantly forced to listen to them. From birth to the very last breath, a person is in society. I'm not saying it's bad. The unpleasant thing is that under the influence of others we forget ourselves.

It’s normal when we learn something new from others, adopt some tastes and habits, if we really like new things. But it’s terrible when we do this to impress someone, to please someone. After all, this is how we move further and further away from ourselves.

What do you like? Have you seriously thought about this? Don't rush to answer, most of what you name will not be entirely correct or not at all what you like. It will be anyone's tastes, but not yours. Remember the movie "Runaway Bride"? Every time Julia Roberts' character met supposedly that same man, she adopted all his hobbies, interests and tastes. And when she finally decided to take a break to understand herself, the first thing she did was try all the varieties of egg dishes to understand what her favorite was: omelet, fried eggs, poached eggs or something else.

IN certain moment I caught myself thinking that every time I became an ideal match for my man, not because he was my soulmate, but because I wanted him to see her in me. I tried so hard to fit in that I actually succeeded. My men firmly believed that I really was what they wanted me to be. But when, tired of pretending, I revealed my true face, they were sincerely perplexed why they had actually known another woman before.

You don’t know what awaits you tomorrow, the day after tomorrow, in a month.

As a rule, I began to “open up” when I realized that the relationship had reached a dead end, that for some strange reason I ended up with the wrong person. My friends even dubbed this state “acting like before a breakup.” By the way, it’s very effective if you want to get rid of a man with whom you don’t intend to have anything in common.

Unfortunately, most women suffer from the same problem. We are so eager to get “at least some” man that we completely forget that people in our lives appear and disappear, and we remain only with ourselves forever, from the very first breath to the very last.

We are not taught to love ourselves at school or college. Our parents know about self-love mostly from hearsay. It's actually simple. You need to build your relationship with yourself in the same way as you would build it with yourself. dear person in the world. It shouldn't matter to you that you have flaws, because everyone has them. Try not to think that any expenses or pleasures are impossible for you now. We are talking about the interests of a loved one!

I tried so hard to fit in that I actually succeeded.

There are many women who will answer the question without hesitation about what their husband likes and what he hates. At the same time, if you ask them the same question regarding their own passions, they will be confused, and then they will say: the same as him. We simply forgot how to listen to ourselves. I remember how, living with a man who hated chicken, I almost stopped eating it myself, because I was terribly lazy to cook for myself separately, and he did not want to eat it with any sauce. After parting with him, I did not touch poultry meat for a long time, having convinced myself that it was tasteless after several years of living together with that man.

My other boyfriend couldn’t stand the smell of coffee, without which I simply can’t imagine my existence. For his sake, I sacrificed my favorite habit: having breakfast in bed. And when we parted, I enthusiastically ate breakfast in bed every morning for several months, enjoying the aroma of freshly brewed “doping.” I was happy that I didn’t have to run to the bathroom and brush my teeth after every cup, that I could feel the full aftertaste of my favorite drink.

“These are all such little things if you love a person!” - they will object to me. Maybe, but behind these little things lies your true personality. Little things are what we are made of, what distinguishes us from each other. Facial features, character, habits, features - they are all part of our image, which does not need to be destroyed immediately as soon as you meet a more or less normal man.

Listen to yourself constantly. What do you like to eat? Drink? What flowers do you like? And isn’t it because you like them because they evoke certain pleasant associations, but earlier, before they were given to you by that very beloved who recognized only them, you could not look at them? Where and how do you like to spend your holidays? Are you sure? Maybe you just haven’t tried resting differently? What kind of clothes do you like? What films? What kind of music? What time of year? Do you like sports and sports broadcasts? What sport do you like?

And then more global questions follow. How many children would you like to have? Do you like living in the city or suburbs? Would you like your husband to work full time or spend most of his time at home? The list may include both your preferences and what you do not want your chosen one to be like, what you categorically do not accept in him.

Write a whole story about what you like, what you love. And about what you can’t stand. For example, I personally don’t like sports fans who would never miss a match of their favorite team. I don’t mind sometimes watching some championships, like the World Cup. But it should be an entertaining match, and keyword here "sometimes".

I also know for sure that I am not able to spend my entire vacation on the beach. I can lie down for an hour or two a couple of times a day, but sitting in one place for fourteen days is beyond my strength. I love cleaning my apartment, but only when I have free time, not when I “should” do it. I can’t stand excessive neatness, although I don’t like piggy men either. I can't stomach men who think they read all the books when they were young and now have nothing more to gain from them. I love to read, and I like to have people around me with whom I can discuss what I read. I don't mind going to the theater, but I am very picky about what to watch. I like classical music, but only when performed live. I don't like nightclubs. Sometimes I want to dance, but this happens no more than once every six months.

Sometimes I can eat in a restaurant, but, as a rule, I prefer to cook myself. I don’t really like cinemas, especially recently, when the screens in most of them have become so small, but every few months I can go there with my daughter to some family film. I like communicating with relatives, but not more than once a month. I like to meet with friends and have some kind of “parties” at home, but only if this happens once every few months. Despite the costs of the profession, I am rather an unsociable person, at least not sociable with everyone. I am very open in my family and with loved ones, but I allow new people into my world with caution.

I love watching the same films a hundred times. Moreover, these are not cinema classics at all, but most often tearful melodramas and comedies. I also cry at Disney cartoons. I cannot live without meat, and I like people who do not deny themselves this pleasure. Therefore, I can hardly imagine life with a vegetarian. And this list can be continued for a very long time.

Make your list. Write everything down there, including your sexual preferences and needs. Get to know yourself as intimately as possible. Become the most important expert on yourself.

Don't be afraid to try something new before you put it on your list of things you don't like. Don't try to predict your reaction to certain things in advance. It's better to try, if it doesn't cause harm to anyone, of course.

You are the most amazing person who suits you, who should understand you perfectly! So why does it turn out that you yourself are complete strangers to yourself, confused by such simple questions as: “What is your favorite movie? What's your favorite dish? How would you spend your ideal day/evening/vacation?”

By the way, this is another necessary exercise that will allow you to open up: dream more. Let your dreams seem unattainable at this stage, let everything indicate that your goal is beyond reality. Sometimes everything turns out in such an incredible way that those whom we would never have thought about end up in our lives, revealing to us completely new sides of it. They give us interesting experience and information, opportunities for additional earnings and tips right decisions in seemingly hopeless situations.

I remember one of my friends, whom I have known for about ten years. When we met, she worked as a manager in the most ordinary travel agency and dreamed of traveling around the world. One day I asked her: “Why do you think that you can’t make your dream come true?” She replied: “But how? I don’t see any way for this!” I said then that opportunities often appear along the way.

It's like traveling on a train. We are driving through an unfamiliar area and look out the window, we see how houses give way to forest, forest to houses, and so on for several hours. And suddenly a stunning view of a beautiful lake or sea opens before our eyes, the existence of which we could not even think of before. And note: we see them only because we did not fall asleep, did not turn away from the book, having lost hope of finding something interesting outside the window.

It's the same in life. You look out the window of your world and see that the same thing seems to be happening around you. Same people, same actions every day. But if you take a closer look, you will definitely notice the almost imperceptible changes that begin to happen as soon as you gain faith that anything is possible in this best of all possible worlds.

People who believed in luck, in their capabilities and in themselves have always reached unprecedented heights. Yes, their life is often not easy, but, as they say, winners are not judged. Do you think, looking back at their lives, they regret that their path was thorny? Not at all, they are happy about the much that has been achieved. Because if a person forgets to enjoy every new day, life will certainly remind him that he is making a mistake.

Some time ago, while in difficult relationships, which I talked about a lot on the pages of this book, I went on a trip to Thailand with my daughter. I hoped that there I would find answers to the questions that interested me, namely: how to live further with the idea that I could neither part with nor stay with that person. Everything was just wonderful, we moved around the country a lot, swam and enjoyed the culinary masterpieces of local chefs. But sadness followed me relentlessly. At that moment, on top of everything else, my grandfather was seriously ill; he had been in serious condition for six months, and doctors were giving more and more gloomy prognoses every day.

One morning we took a boat to the island. I was in a good mood, we swam in the clear sea, relaxed on a snow-white beach, then climbed the mountains and stopped at a temple from which a stunning view of the coast opened. The sand in stark contrast to the water and jungle, the setting sun - everything told me that in another situation I would literally clap my hands at the sight of such beauty, feeling a wave of delight rise from my heart and spread throughout my body. Instead, I was surprised to note that I didn’t feel anything like that.

I felt very sad and scared, it seemed that I was losing myself, and, not finding anything better, I mentally turned to God with a single request: to return my joy to life. So what do you think? That same night I experienced terrible poisoning. At some point I thought I was just going to die, I felt so bad. In the morning, driven by the need to feed my daughter breakfast, I somehow went downstairs to the restaurant and, with great difficulty, stuffed myself with toast and tea. And, lo and behold, they seemed to me the most delicious food of my entire life. From that moment everything changed literally as if by magic. I looked at the world with different eyes. I again wanted to admire every moment of life. And life immediately began to reciprocate with me, presenting new discoveries every day.

Purely theoretically, we know what we should want from life. Every woman is expected to find her ultimate happiness in a family and a child or children. But in practice, not everyone is capable of this, or at least not at any age. Just as men are usually ready to start a family closer to the age of thirty, or even later, women have different psychological maturity. And most importantly, there is a category of representatives of the fairer sex who should not be too obsessed with starting a family. And at the same time, which is much more difficult, learn to answer the question: “When will you get married?” confidently and with his head held high: “When I feel the need for it.”

For some reason, it is believed that all women should love children, as well as cook, sew, and so on. But in practice, I know many whose calling is completely different. Take brilliant mathematicians, astronauts, writers, fashion designers - what would happen to the world if they devoted themselves to housekeeping?

And I'm not saying that their work made them happy. But where are the guarantees that having a family would make them so? Who can say for sure what another person needs, even if we often don’t know everything about ourselves. That’s why I always say: “In theory, I know what I should want, but in practice, when I get what I was going for, I often understand that this is not at all what my heart was striving for.”

That is, it is not enough to learn to be alone, to get to know yourself as well as possible. You also need to learn to experience sincere, genuine pleasure from all this.

Very often I come across the fact that women create the image of a happy person who does not need representatives of the stronger sex under any pretext. At the same time, they diligently hide the fact that they suffer greatly from the lack of a strong shoulder nearby. And completely in vain. They have no reason to worry.

If only because there are a huge number of things in life, besides men, for which life is worth living. You just need to learn to see them, notice them. Birds singing, especially early spring when the snow outside is not touched by heat. You are lying in bed, and from the window you suddenly hear weak, seemingly apologetic voices, which gain strength and begin to sound confident and ringing, and it seems that their singing is now almost indecent.

Dawns, when the sun suddenly appears with a red edge from behind the horizon, and then suddenly soars upward, and after a few moments no one would believe that just a few minutes ago it was not in the sky, it looks so natural there. Sunsets, when, looking straight ahead, you want to suffocate with delight, because the reflections of the departing luminary on the clouds are so beautiful that you begin to believe that life after death exists. After all, in the beautiful end of the day you can see the end of the cycle, and if it can be so beautiful, then why should it be different with our lives.

The sea, lake or river in the summer, when you plunge into the water for the first time after a hot day and feel freshness with every cell of your body. It’s as if steam is coming from the water, you want to laugh, and everything inside is filled with energy. Air after heavy rain when, regardless of where you are, outside the city or in a metropolis, you see how everything is transformed, becoming so clean, almost transparent.

Hours spent on the beach, when you stroke the hot sand with your hand, feel the warm, even hot rays of the sun touching your body, and understand that it gives you the strength to survive the next winter. Shiny, sparkling snow, when you walk down the street late at night and hear its rhythmic crunch, watch how it shimmers in the light of the lanterns, like snowflakes - not frozen drops of water at all, but precious stones.

Breakfast in bed with your favorite dish and coffee, the first sip of which warms your throat and heart. And also the anticipation of delicious food, when you are preparing it or waiting in a restaurant, you already feel strong hunger and acutely smell the smells, and when what you want appears on the plate, at first you don’t touch the dish, but just look at it, inhale the aroma, and warm steam comes somewhere much deeper than the nose.

When you ride a bicycle, you accelerate and for a moment you feel almost like you were in childhood, free from problems, far from circumstances and necessity. Minutes when you have already woken up, and everyone at home is still sleeping, and, opening your eyes, starting to sort through the brightest pictures from life, you smile at a new day that brings so many different discoveries. A favorite movie that you know almost by heart, but every time you watch it, you remember such familiar phrases, as if meeting a person you haven’t seen for a long time.

There are a lot of beautiful houses around, we just don’t always pay attention to them, since we pass by every day, for many years. How much beautiful places in the world! And they are all waiting for you to open them. And you say that, apart from men, there is nothing else to live for?

Yes, just for the sake of this small fraction, you want to breathe, joy comes up in a lump in your throat, and you feel a state close to falling in love with the whole world! And this is much more than anyone who has ever lived on earth can give.

By thinking about what you like, what you want from life, and stopping focusing on relationships as an obsession, you will understand that loneliness is not your enemy, but an ally.

If you sometimes wake up in the morning not in the best mood, try the following exercise. Remember everything you can be grateful for, focus on what you like in your life, and sincerely thank her for it. Think about your friends and just good people that surround you, reflect on how far you have come from where you once started. Be amazed at how many new things you've learned in just recent years, how many interesting films and books came your way. Think about the places you were able to visit.

Let this ritual take only a few minutes so that you are not late for work, but complete the exercise and you will feel that after a positive morning an equally good day has come, and then an evening.

To make this exercise easier for me, I placed the most beautiful photos from those places where I have been, and looking at them, barely waking up, I always smile. If you have nothing to hang on the walls, since your travel list is limited to the cottage and picnics with friends, hang pictures of the places you want to go, or just positive images that will help you get in the right mood. For some it will be small children, for others dogs or cats, a forest, a waterfall, mountains. In short, try to make your bedroom the ideal place to wake up. So that, as soon as you open your eyes, the thought appears in your head: “Hurray, another new day!”, and not “Lord, not this, I’m still alive!”

Take advantage of the break to meet up with all the old and new friends who called you regularly the entire time you were in the relationship, but you couldn’t find a minute for them. Remember your “youth”, do something completely crazy for you. Let's say go to a nightclub that you haven't been to for ten years, go hiking for at least one day, learn to ski or horseback, take up flamenco training, or Italian language, in a word - shake up the wardrobe of your desires, now is the time to start realizing them.

No matter how your previous relationships turned out, you have many opportunities ahead to build new ones.

I know it’s corny, but spend more time on yourself and self-care. Enjoy the opportunity to lie in the bath for a long time with candles and a book, lighting the incense sticks that irritated your ex so much. Scrub and apply various creams to your heart's content. Make a mask and walk around the house with it without fear. Now you can do the wrap at home, without fear of being seen, or, if you calmly did this in the presence of a man, without fear of caustic comments: “Honey, you’ve turned black!”

And most importantly, think about your upcoming relationship, because it will definitely happen when you are READY for it, with joy and a smile. Imagine kissing, hugging, sex with your loved one as if this is your reality today. If your abstract imagination is not working well, feed it with the right information. Listen to beautiful songs about love, but not while wiping a stingy tear from your cheek, but feeling happiness that soon you will be able to listen to them with your loved one. Fantasize about the places you will definitely go with him. Think over " entertainment program“in advance, because then you will have no time at all for “extra thoughts.”

Miguel Ruiz, a Mexican writer, compared love to a self-assembled tablecloth. No matter how many times you fall in love, no matter how your previous relationships turned out, you have many opportunities ahead to build new ones, feel a lot of positive emotions and make all your dreams come true.

How to behave at the first meeting So, the meeting is scheduled. I must warn you, my dear, that you have a very important undertaking ahead of you, which will require a lot of worldly wisdom and fantastic acting skills. This is in case you want the first